Evaluation time.....

Well, its time for me to evaluate where I'm at and where I need to go, and figure out a general direction on how to get there. Right now I can say I am rock bottom emotionally.

 I haven't ever felt this drained, or numb....ever. The first thing is to figure out how to start picking myself back up slowly but surely. I do know all of the 'alone time' I have in this truck doesn't help but I think I am getting a grip on those damn pesky voices that like to question everything. A few of the other voices got tired of them and they are currently tied, gagged, and thrown in the closet. Hopefully they don't get out for a while. lol

 Driving a truck really leaves me with zero time it seems to spend with anyone. I have been searching but I've yet to find anyone willing to take someone who is gone weeks at a time. I have a feeling that search isn't going to get any easier.

 I know I need to be happy, but what is happiness? I thought I knew but it looks like I didn't have the whole thing down. Some people say you have to be happy with yourself. Easier said than done. One of my problems is that I always have sacrificed my happiness so that others could be happy. In thinking that seeing others happy made me happy. Its just how I'm wired, and I don't know how to rewire myself.

 I guess I just feel if I do things to just make myself happy, I'm being conceited, etc concentrating on myself instead of others.

 Right now as you can see, I'm struggling hard on the 'make me happy' part, so does anyone have any suggestions or sage advice?

Getting off the Rollercoaster Ride

Well, as some can tell I have been on one of the worst emotional roller-coaster rides I have ever had in my life for the last few months.

I finally decided to try and take a few steps to get off of this thing, so I sat down and typed out the hardest letter for me to type.

It was something I know I had been putting off hoping that the ride would smooth out, but just when I thought things were leveling out, I would crash again.

All I can say is I hope I did the right thing in the right way.  I'll admit its hard to think straight when your in so much pain, but I don't want any others to suffer at all.  I guess I'm one of those guys that would rather take the whole burden.

I had decided to step back into the background and fade back.  I've tried seeing other people but there is just nothing there, so I'm done in that respect.

I guess I need to order my 'crazy cat guy' kit as it seems that's the direction I'm destined to head.

Love, accepting it...

One of my friends had an interesting poll the other day that got me to thinking, which can be very dangerous lol.

 She asked, 'in life we accept the love we think we deserve, true or false'. But she then followed it up with a zinger, are you getting the love you deserve, or not accepting all of the love out there.

Now lets break this down. I'm sure most would think that we would accept the love we deserve, because heck, we deserve it all. In fact we want more than is offered usually, and that's where the problems can ensue.

 When you want more, you go out seeking someone to provide it. The problem is, you rarely find it. What a person should do is continue to build on that foundation of love that they are currently receiving to expand it, not go looking over the horizon for more. Also, you have to keep in mind, love is a two-way street. The other person needs to know about and feel the same level of passion you do so they too can expand upon it.

 You see, it should be a self-sustaining circle, growing and expanding on itself. Now I'm not saying you can't love more than one. We are human and we have many people in our lives. What I am saying though is that there should be a positive feedback from the ones that you do love.

 If your trying to spread your net far and wide, to get love, but your not giving any back, you will find yourself in a pretty lonely place. So its pretty clear to me what a person should do.

 How do you feel about this subject?

Worn out...

I have to admit, right now I feel like our feline friend here.

I feel like I am drained, worn out in mind, body and soul.

My biggest problem right now is trying to figure out what the cause of this is.

I do know one part, and that is a few 'what if' scenarios that keep playing through my mind right now.  I've tried to dismiss them, put them to rest, but until I get a definitive answer to these I feel like I am spinning my wheels.

I know that's not the whole cause of everything, and that right now is my dilemma.  I went back to the hometown this weekend to try and relax and that hasn't happened so much.  A small repair job I had for my pickup turned into a 12 hour monster, so that blew my whole day.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day of rest before I go back to work on Monday.

Honesty and Excuses

Ok, one of my bigger pet peeves is when someone does not seem to be honest with me. Tie that in with excuses and it gets even worse.

What do I mean by that?  Let me break it down.

On the honesty part, I would much rather have the 'gut wrenching' honest truth than have someone give me a 'little white lie'.  Lies always build.  They usually start off small, but then grow as you have to add to it to keep it going.

Yes, the truth can hurt, but I would rather deal with that pain in the short term, than deal with the lie WHEN, not if, it is discovered and exposed.  You see, that's the other thing about lies, they are always exposed at some point in time.  No one can keep a lie going forever, but the longer it goes the more hurtful it can be.

Now for excuses.  Yes, I realize things come up in life, at work, heck just out of nowhere.  The problem with excuses is when the same one, or same type of excuse is used over and over again.

Do you remember  reading the fairy tale, 'The little boy who cried wolf'?  This goes right along that same concept.  After the same excuse, or same series is used time and time again, it is less believable.  Now I'm not saying it couldn't be true, but perception would be that it's less believable because of the excessive use.  I also know that people do tend to get themselves into 'situations', but when you see that your using the same excuse over and over, maybe its time to re-evaluate things and get yourself out of that situation.

Combining these two can be pretty devastating.  Like I said before, I would rather have someone be completely honest with me.  The problem is when there are the same constant excuses, its also a hit on the honesty part.  The reason being, is that the person is not being honest with me, or themselves about the situation they are in.  By using that line of logic, if your using the same type of excuse over and over, your not being completely honest, which begs to ask what else your not being honest about.

I'm getting tired, worn out, of trying to figure out with people if they are truly 'crying wolf'' or if they are being completely honest with me in these type of situations.  I'm to the point where if I have someone I think is doing this, I might need to cut them loose and move on.  This kind of 'what if'' thinking can really be taxing on a person.

The Path Least Travelled

I have to say from what I have seen that anyone that does extensive traveling for their work can have a difficult time building and maintaining any type of strong relationship.

 What do I mean by this? Let me break it down this way.

Everyone travels different paths (ideals) in life on what their destination is going to be. Now the majority of people are on the main road.

 What I consider the main road is having that significant other with you most of the time. There are times you might be joined at the hip. You see each other every day for hours on end and do everything together.

 Next you have those that branch off and have a little 'alone, or me time'. You have some common interests but you also have a few of your own. You might go out individually once a week or so.

Following these are your people that only see each other a few times a week. They are fairly independent but enjoy being in each others company on occasion.

 Last, you have those that are blazing their own trail through the dense underbrush. Those of us that are gone for 2-3 weeks at a time in order to make a living. The time spent communicating, and the time spent together is meant to be a special time.

 I know I am one of those that's blazing his own trail. The problem that I run across is finding that 'other half' that would compliment and complete me. It seems that the vast majority of people I talk to fall into the first two categories.

 I'll admit its getting harder to find people in the category where they only see each other a few times a week if that. The main thing I'm trying to figure out, is whether or not if this is a general shift in society, where everyone wants everything closer to them, vs allowing their partner to be a little more independent.

 Am I too far off in this observation?

Sexuality, what does it mean?

Today I had a very interesting discussion with a very dear friend of mine. We got on the topic of sexuality.

Now first off, I do know that everyone does have their own opinion, or version of Sexuality.  With that being said, here is what I consider it.

At this point and time in my life, I consider  a person's sexuality to be directly connected to that 'inner self'.  What I mean is that it is connected to their personality, how they portray themselves to the world, (and in their mind) and how they interact with others.  

For me, physical beauty plays a very little part in sexuality at this point in my life.

Now I'm sure why some of you are wondering why I keep referring to 'this point in my life'?  Its pretty simple.

We evolve as we get older.  What a 18-25 year old might consider a persons sexuality WILL be different than someone in the 40-45 range.  The reason?  LIFE.  That's right, those older whippersnappers have learned a thing or three through the years so they have adjusted their view of things accordingly.  Now before you say it, yes, there are those few that NEVER grow up, and I understand that.

A younger person might consider sexuality to be directly connected with beauty, and little else.  That's fine.  They haven't experienced any wonderful lessons life has had to offer at them at this point.  Once they start learning those lessons, they should adjust how they view and define things.

I'll use my friend as an example.  We have known each other for oh, 14 years or so.  I can honestly say I can look back, and admit how my view of sexuality has changed over those years.  Bottom line?  In my eyes, her sexuality has INCREASED over the years as she has grown and expanded her knowledge, and that has affected how her personality has changed. 

It's pretty interesting to look back and view things like that.  See what you thought 10 years ago vs what you think now.  Any person that says their view have not changed at all I call BS on.  Everyone changes their views, either for the better or worse.  If you try to tell me you haven't changed at all then you must have been living in a bubble.

So for me, sexuality is that person's inner being, their fire, their zest.  Yes a little is still connected to outer beauty, but that is more superficial.  One other thing you have to keep in mind, 'Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder'.